Full Frontal View


This Hairless Creature was purchased at a local pet store by my daughter, Dinah. I am not sure whether it is a naturally occurring beast, or a product of genetic engineering. Nonetheless, various scientific and philosphical questions leap to mind when contemplating this beast.

I often wonder what his mental processes are like; what is it like to Be Mortimer? Is this question even meaningful?

Sometimes I doubt that he has any real consciousness. At other times I worry about whether he truly respects me, or just sees me as an obedient bringer of food

A guilty thought - sometimes he looks temptingly like food himself; a Pogo, perhaps.

Full Dorsal View


One might be skeptical about the place of Mortimer in the philosophical universe, but there are some things about him that relate to science. In particular, he seems to dis-confirm several of the most well-established scientific theories.

1) The Law of the Conservation of Matter

Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, they say. But Mortimer is a prodigious eater, and seems to belie this theory. If I place a hunk of lettuce twice the size of Mortimer in his cage before retiring, by morning there is no more lettuce, yet Mortimer has not grown. I have come to the conclusion that Mortimer uses nuclear processes such as nuclear cold fusion to convert lettuce to pure energy. I intend to use Mortimer to heat the house this winter, and will shortly cancel oil deliveries.

2) The Theory of Evolution.
Evolution is supposed to imply the survival of the fittest, yet Mortimer is clearly unfit for anything. Every day I let him out of his cage for a "run", although perhaps "run" is a hyperbole. Eventually I have to catch him and put him back. It never takes more than a few seconds to grab him, despite his squealing and fighting, and attempts to escape, which are utterly ineffectual. If he fares so badly against a middle aged human, how would he do against, say, a jaguar? And, note, this animal looks very tasty indeed. Could such a beast, a short-legged cocktail weenie, have withstood the forces of evolution? My best theory is that he is an artifice of some lab, a product of genetic splicing, possibly a rat-zucchini hybrid, with a bit of dachshund thrown in. Plus a cold fusion digestive system.